And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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