From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
