I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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