The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
