worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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