i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
