Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
