Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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