That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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