His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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