Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
