I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
