My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
