You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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