When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
