dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
