I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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