They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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