He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
