If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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