dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
