Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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