he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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