i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
