You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
