Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
