Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
