why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
