Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All the doctor said was why
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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