I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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