dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
