I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
