1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
