i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
