some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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