But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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