I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
