What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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