Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
