im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
