I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
