Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
