woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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