I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
