I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
