If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
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Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?