i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
