I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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