Dude my mom stole all your condoms
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
