when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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