I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
