i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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