I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
