We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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