if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
