totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
